If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
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After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”