If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I finally found a reason to live again.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’