If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”