If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
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*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*