If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
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Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
fired
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Day 2 of my diet
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
new shirt idea
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.