Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.