Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

Bed should get ready for ME

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss