If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
You Might Also Like
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.