Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

My Sentiments Exactly

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…