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I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Happy birthday to all the women
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night