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I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”