If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
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I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
How high do the levels go?
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.