Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

technically true but not a great slogan

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?