Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what it’s like dating me:

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.