If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
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My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
For the baby who has everything
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.