If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
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You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
