Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

This hospital has everything

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

My five year plan is a meteorite

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match