If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
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Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Voodoo map
What if all the cashiers are married?
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.