A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
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Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE
Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
“You want to have your cake and eat it, too.” “Yeah. It’s MY cake.”
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
7yo: I HAVE A LOOSE TOOTH!
Me: The Tooth Fairy doesn’t want you messing with it until payd…Friday.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.