If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
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“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief