@Shanehasabeard

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

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@ShootyDoody

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

@roostermustache

Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE

Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE

@weinerdog4life

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

@thesulk

“You want to have your cake and eat it, too.” “Yeah. It’s MY cake.”

@abbycohenwl

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

@Shade510

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

@truegritrumble

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

@Sassafrantz

Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.

@TheMichaelRock

7yo: I HAVE A LOOSE TOOTH!

Me: The Tooth Fairy doesn’t want you messing with it until payd…Friday.

@LeonEarlgrey

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.