If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
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My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.