If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
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I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad