Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

I’m crying im so happy for them

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