If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
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Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
we did it you guys we saved daylight
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
A recipe for laughter
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.