If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
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once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
respect