If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
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Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”