If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
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everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.