If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”