If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
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I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Asking the real questions!
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying