Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think this might be relevant today.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

Damn he played himself

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?