if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
You Might Also Like
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
For those that worship cheese..
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
From Facebook just now…
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.