if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
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by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me too door. Me too.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
subtitles are so good nowadays
What about second breakfast?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
me before I type out affect or effect
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.