Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

PER MY LAST EMAIL

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.