If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
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I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Those are good neighbors.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me