If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
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just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.