[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
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I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Why is your ass split vertically?
Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.