If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

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I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.


Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try


*rewinds tape with a pencil*

*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*


Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.


NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!



Don’t you love it when you order salt at McDonald’s and you accidentally get some fries!


Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.


Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.


*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!