@ANastyGorilla

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

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@lawking30

I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.

@mom_tho

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

@thatdutchperson

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

@VibesBummer

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

@druuuck

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

@salamingia

Don’t you love it when you order salt at McDonald’s and you accidentally get some fries!

@wilw

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

@AbbyHasIssues

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

@VerbsRProudest

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!