If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
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Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Wise advice
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
