If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
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All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.