Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

this has to be peak English

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.