If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
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My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.