Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

Cake!!

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

This hospital has everything

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late