If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
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I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
had to make it
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.