If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
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What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Maybe I’m delusional, but I swear this train is following me.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up