If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
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Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.