If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
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You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Dead sexy!!
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Cndnsd Mlk
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.