Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

“You wore that before.”

Yes, because I own a washing machine.

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none