Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

is it too early for christmas memes

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*