If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
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For the baby who has everything
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Rt to bother an English speaker
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want