If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
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Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
j o i m p
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
i choose….tongue
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*