If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
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My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not