Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

“dress for the job you want”

“ok!”

*shows up to work naked*

“what are you doing”

“i don’t want a job”

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?