Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.