If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
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if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight