If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
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I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.