Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

COVID-19: …

Alpha Variant: …

Delta Variant: …

Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue