If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
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[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”