If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.