If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
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Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)