Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
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If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Oh. My. God.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol