If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
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Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Denise please return my vape pen
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no