If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
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I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
Sounds like a bargain
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.