If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
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The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.