If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
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true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.