If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
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The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
So sick of all these stupid rules
