Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

you should fight them

– me as a therapist

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

The phrase “herding cats” was definitely invented by a teacher who works with 5th/6th graders.

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

this country is so goddamn polarized

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.