Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

Skip intro

Worst perfume name ever.

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

i wish i could marry a nap

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.