If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

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At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.


I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.


[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?


Prince Charles is not at all pleased with the Genie that misheard his “coronation” wish.


me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip


The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime


Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.


Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything