Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
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I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Prince Charles is not at all pleased with the Genie that misheard his “coronation” wish.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything