If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
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Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
wish me luck lads
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC