Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

Smallpox sounds so adorable

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

Proofread twice, hang posters once

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.