If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
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Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.