Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

[News anchor]

“Are things really that bad?”

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

security at the airport getting more straightforward

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach