If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
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Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef