If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
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Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?